


Certainty

by dandylions



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 14:17:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18316949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dandylions/pseuds/dandylions
Summary: “Love is so short, forgetting is so long.”― Pablo Neruda, LoveThe more the times change the more they remain the same for Donna.





	Certainty

**Author's Note:**

> “There’s something disturbing about recalling a warm memory and feeling utterly cold.”  - Gillian Flyn, Gone Girl
> 
> The story arc that Donna Moss deserved.   
> This takes place in the AU where Donna does not join the first Santos campaign.

 

“And you’re sure you’re okay with this?”

“For the love of… C.J I have actual work to do you know? The thing that I used to do 18 hours a day before I got drafted into wedding planning?”

“I’m just saying, he’s gonna be there so don’t say I didn’t warn ya.”

“And I’m telling you, again, that it is totally fine. Really. It was years ago and we weren’t even friends by the end of it. It’s so far in the past, I hadn’t even thought about it or him in years until you mentioned.”

“See I’m almost convinced and just because you managed to walk me, of all people, to the brink, I’m gonna let you have this one.”

“Thank you.” Her wry tone did not go unnoticed at the other end, where C.J smiled and began a cursory perusal of the schedule again.

“When are you getting here again?”

“Thursday. Assuming I ever finish work.”

“Yeah yeah, see you Thursday.”

*

He should’ve left the moment she came gliding down the aisle. Should have vaulted over the audience and just made a run for it. But there she was; clad in that blushing pink dress that made her skin glow, on the arm of some smiling prick, who was touching too much of her in his opinion. She was smiling her happiest smile at Danny Concanon who smiled back nervously at her. Right up until she reached the end, gave the Smiling Prick a quick hug and went to take her place next to the priest. Then there she was, smiling and beautiful and far away from him.

He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t left, apart from the fact that C.J would probably murder him if he had walked out. He wasn’t even completely sure he could move, or do anything besides staring at her slack jawed and wide eyed. He was staring at her and for the first time in almost three years, Josh Lyman was looking at Donnatella Moss and wishing he was anywhere but sitting in the padded pew of the beautiful church C.J was getting married in and hoping that the mass of people would hide him and he wouldn’t have to face her. Except not really; he wanted to stay rooted to the very same spot and have all the other people vanish just so he could get his fill of her.

Time had acquired enough of a soupy quality that he didn’t even notice when the music started back up and C.J was walking down the aisle, resplendent in a beautiful concoction of white silk and lace, train trailing after her as she glided up the aisle where Danny was waiting for her.

Josh didn’t know why he was so surprised, Sam had told him that she was the maid of honor, he’d had the same conversation with C.J and Sam twice now, assuring them that he would be okay and that of course he was attending there’s no way in hell he’s not going to witness C.J take the plunge, his schedule be damned. But there she is, facing the couple, now reciting after the priest, her eyes shiny and a wide grin on her face. She looks so happy, Josh realizes when he compares her to the pale vision of her he constructs when nights run later than usual and he’s looking for solace at the bottom of a bottle. His hazy memories have not done her smile justice. Or more likely, he thinks, he’s just never seen her that happy. Seeing her there, twenty feet away, beautiful and smiling in the sunlit church makes him wish he could stop time, just for that instant.

The ceremony ends and soon Sam is tugging on his sleeve and tilting his head at him, still sitting in the pew and definitely not staring at Donna. To her credit, if she had noticed his incessant stare she hadn’t given any indication; on the contrary, she seemed entirely relaxed, talking to one of the groomsmen and with that smile that’s going to run up his tab at the bar. Then all at once, it comes back to him who he is and what she did and the last time they saw each other and he tears his gaze away. He finally rises and follows Sam out of the church, his confession of missing her everyday echoing tauntingly behind him.

*

He’s left sitting at his table alone. Sam and Ainsley busy on the dancefloor have left him with only his glass of whisky for company. He’s staring off into nothing and contemplating proper retribution for the senators who jumped ship on the trade bill when he notices her.

Donna, having exhausted herself dancing with the Smiling Prick and several other members of the wedding party striding her way to the bar. Which is directly in his line of sight and Jesus this is going to kill him.

She orders her drink at the bar and he can’t help but look at her. She’s flushed and happy and still beaming and he’s lost. He’s so busy staring at her that he doesn’t notice when Zoey plops down on the seat next to him.

“You trying to telepathically communicate your drink order?”

Josh swivels around to look at her dazedly. “What?”

“You’ve been staring at the bar for the better part of the last ten minutes” the Smiling Prick is walking up to the bar too. Fuck.

“Uh, yeah I just….” Donna was laughing. The Smiling Prick had sidled up to her and she was laughing.

“You could just go and talk to her you know”

 He belatedly realizes that Zoey is talking to him. Has been talking to him for some time and now is looking at him like he’s pitiful.

“No I was just thinking about this thing at the office with the deficit. How are you? Harvard treating you ok? I’ve got some pull over there; I can beat people up if they’re bothering you”

She smiles at him like the deflection isn’t working on her at all. His gaze slides back to the bar and Donna is gone. He can’t help the disappointment bubbling in his gut.

“Really, Josh. Go talk to her. Tell her she looks beautiful and I’m pretty sure she won’t kill you.”

“Why would she kill me otherwise?”

She arches a brow at him and whoa, the gossip in D.C is apparently loud enough to reach Massachusetts.

“What?”

“Everyone knows what Josh Lyman did to Donna Moss. It’s beltway legend.” She recites.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You. Being an idiot and not offering her the job on the campaign and then not speaking to her for years. And being in love with her.”

“God, Zoey.”

“I notice you didn’t deny any of that.”

“That’s because this is too stupid to even talk about, it’d be like refuting that Rush Limbaugh isn’t an idiot”

“Still smarting over the birth certificate thing aren’t you?”

“He’s an idiot, Zoey”

“You’re an idiot too, Josh.”

“Did you just compare me to Rush Limbaugh? What could I have possibly done to deserve that?”

This time she raises both her eyebrows at him. Clearly distraction is not in the Lyman bag of tricks.

“Why don’t I go and get her? Then you both can talk it out and you don’t get drool down the front of your shirt”

“Don’t you have something better to do? Like I don’t know go talk to your own unrequited love?”

“Charlie and I are _married,_ dumbass. How much more requisition do you want?”

“I meant you and the fried duck”

She glares at him for that one. “You know what, just for that I’m going to go. Back to my very much requited love, thank you.”

He sighs as she gets up and walks over to Charlie who’s talking to Abbey. He glances back to the bar, Donna is back and this time she’s alone. She’s turned towards him but she’s looking at C.J and Danny, still waltzing in the middle of the dancefloor.

She looks beautiful, he thinks. She’s always been beautiful, all Midwestern farm girl brightness and D.C sharp wit. There is something different about her though, Josh can’t decide if it’s just because it’s been four years and she is different or if he’s imagining things because he can’t devote his full focus on it because it’s _Donna_ and she’s wearing that dress which is showing more skin than has any business being shown this side of St Peter’s gates. And he doesn’t even believe in heaven.

He’s been staring at her for at what he later realizes must have been a full quarter of an hour when she suddenly looks away from C.J and Danny and at him.

Shit.

Her eyes widen a bit and she immediately looks away as Josh turns toward his own drink intent on staring a hole through the glass. God, why did he ever agree to come? Now he’s ruined the wedding for her too. He risks a glance upwards and sees her still staring at her shoes and feels a wave of self-hatred so strong it’s a wonder he’s still sitting upright. God, is there anything Josh Lyman can do without fucking up every relationship he ever has?

He’s still sighing into his glass when he realizes that he’s been joined by a certain surly former White House communications director.

“How’s it going, Toby?”

Toby doesn’t so much as look up from his phone as he speaks, “You’re fucking up the Medicare thing”

“Hello to you too, Ziegler. How’re the fresh faced revolutionaries?”

This finally gets him to look up, “They’re as disappointed as I am that Matt Santos isn’t the great progressive hope they voted for, you jackass”

Josh heaved a sigh. Teaching had clearly not dulled Toby’s particular brand of realist snark.

Toby takes that as a signal to continue on this rant that Josh has already heard about a dozen times by now. “What the hell are you doing here anyway? Is dilly dallying with the nation’s future not fun enough for you that you came to rouse this shit up?”

That got his attention. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Toby actually smiles at that. That never bodes well for Josh.

“How you manage to continually do this amazes even me and…” He gets cut off as C.J and Danny approach their table and interrupt them. Toby stands to give C.J and Danny a hug, looking genuinely happy for the first time since he sat down at Josh’s table.

C.J turns to hug Josh and he thinks about all the times that they’ve shared and for a moment he lets himself forget about the present and he immerses himself in being happy for her. She’s radiantly happy and Josh basks in her company for a moment before returning to himself.

“Congratulations C.J”

“I’m so happy you could make it out here, mi amor. It’s been too long since you’ve seen the California sunshine”

“55 electoral votes C.J, I’d kiss California if I could”

“You definitely need to after the way you’ve been handling the medicare thing”

“Not you too! How has he gotten you into it too?”

C.J laughs at that one, “Toby didn’t get me into anything! I can read a newspaper you know”

“Yeah, I got a guy on the inside who gets us a discount on the subscription” Danny chirps from beside her.

They continue to banter until C.J and Danny are swarmed with relatives and friends all clamouring for their chance to wish them well. But the moments they just shared are the one’s Josh is replaying in his head as he settles into his seat in the plane that night. Donna and her damn dress eventually chases those out of his head and then he’s sitting alone on that table again. Desperately wishing he had the courage to go and talk to her while knowing that he’s too proud to do it no matter the amount of bravery.

He sighs and asks the cabin crew for another drink before he falls into a fitful sleep. When he touches down in D.C he’s determined to bleach his mind clean of Donnatella Moss and the warmth she inspires. He’s got a country to run after all.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know where I'm going with this to be honest. This story has been languishing for years in my documents and I'm hoping that by putting it out there I finally have some motivation to finish it. I know that this chapter contained quite a lot of Josh but this is a story first and foremost about Donna and her relationships that I feel the show didn't devote nearly enough time to. If you're noticing any stylistic inconsistencies it's because a) I'm a dumbass and b) I first started writing this in 2016. 
> 
> If you're interested in talking to me and/or just seeing what a mess my real life is you can follow me on littleking-trash-mouth.tumblr.com


End file.
